RE:

From: Friends and Family

To: Anyone with an email account that I have in my contacts

Subject: FW: FW: FW: FW: Be Careful Where You Have Your Baby! OPEN IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!

To Whom it May Concern,

It has recently come to the attention of my colleagues and I, (you may have seen this on the news already) that there has been some atrocious activity going on at hospitals throughout our once great land. It seems to be that some doctors, in an attempt to push an atheistic or agnostic belief system, have been tatooing derisive propaganda on to newborn babies. There are two new tatoos circulating among infants of Christian parents:

1) A woman walking past a baptist church. (Atheist)

2) This one is in the form of a three-panel comic strip. 1st panel: Two men (presumably homosexual, though it's unclear on the tatoo) looking at a menu on a wall of a restaurant. Instead of food names, Christian denominations are listed. The men gaze contemplatively at this, their brows are furrowed, their hands holding up their chins like "The Thinker". 2nd panel: The two men turn to each other and shrug. 3rd panel: They exit the restaurant (my guess is they're leaving to see Cirque De Soleil or some such). (Agnostic)

These two tatoos have been turning up on the babies of Christian parents all throughout the country, and though one is a comic strip much like "The Family Circus", this is no laughing matter.

So take a moment friends, and ask your OBGYN who he or (Heaven forbid) she voted for. If they get all evasive and stuff and say, "That's personal", you can bet they voted for Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Simply collect your things, politely tell them you'll pray for them, and exit. Repeat this until you find a sensible doctor who makes wise decisions on election day. This will guarantee you an inkless newborn.

LET'S TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK, ONE TATOO-FREE MIRACLE AT A TIME!!!!!!!!

Forward this to 5 people: God will provide for you a chimichanga.

Forward this to 15 people: Instant entry into Heaven, provided you pay a 10 dollar cover charge.

Forward this to 30 or more people: V.I.P. section of eternity! Including front-row seats for Moses and Methuselah's two-man show. They've been honing this act for a LONG time, trust me, it's good. If you like two old dudes in blackface, you'll love this act!

Palin/Beck '12.

In Conclusion

Here's a little attempt at some non-linear storytelling. I'll fill in the gaps later.

I had my last day at work today, and it was a little bittersweet. I mean, look at that hardworking crew up there! That's Blessing manning the scan gun, Herman trying to smile in time, and Sherry escaping the cruel invasive lens, as is the Hollywood tradition. As glad as I am to be done with work, I'll miss these guys, I couldn't have completed this project without them. Except for Monday and Wednesday of course! I finally returned Sherry's hammer and Herman? Well, Herman let us have one more "Where the heck does this thing go?". We all laughed knowingly. As for Blessing, I'll miss her most of all. She was the scarecrow that guided me through the maze of Albertsons Grocery. Remember, she gave me directions to my first In-N-Out Burger. You don't forget something like that. There is always something depressing when you know you'll never see people you like again, even if you just knew them for two weeks. Go easy guys, and watch out for that scan coordinator, they're always a pain!

Up Next: Hollywood. For reals this time.

Still Alive

Hey everyone. I'm still ok here in the City of Angels, though I haven't found it to be that, exactly (extra credit if you get the reference). I'm having difficulty uploading photos from my work laptop because all photos go into shortcut folder and I can't see what I'm trying to upload. There are over 145 so it's too time consuming to fish through right now, but I will.

So, catching up...

Last Thursday I picked up the little lady at work and we went on a date at Hermosa Beach. We were even serenaded by a strange looking gentleman on the pier. Here is a sample lyric: "I left my legs at the United Nations, ants are crawling on me giving strange sensations." I took a great deal of poetic license with that, but his words were similar, with more f-bombs peppered in throughout. We ate a fantastic Brazilian Barbecue joint, and saw a man catch a stingray from the pier and then put it between two slices of bread and take a bite. It's a crazy place, but beautiful. I dropped Bobbi off at LAX and then headed back. On the way back to the hotel, I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to have her in my life. She made an opposing coastline feel like home, if only for a few hours. Everyone who's been in a loving relationship knows that you get accustomed to it, even if it's blissful. But there are times when you're reminded of just how great you have it, and it gives you a lift. Mules wearing berets! Now, we're back to the normal tone of a Crimes post. And with that, I leave you.

Here are my three California tunes:

Going to California - Led Zeppelin
California Love - Tupac and Dr. Dre
Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Up Next: My trip to Hollywood...

The Great Progressive State of California?

Then why do the citizens have to be instructed on when and how to wash their hands? Maybe they aren't as advanced as we thought, I mean they did elect Kindergarten Cop as their governor and vote down on gay marriage, and now this. My favorite time to wash your hands? "Whenever you think your hands need it." Perhaps people with O.C.D. are just following instructions.

Things are still going well. I'm having trouble adjusting to the west coast time, and am not getting much sleep. I'm exhausted actually, which is why the only sights I've seen are an In-N-Out Burger and a sign in a grocery store men's room. Keep hope alive, the weekend is soon upon me. I plan to, get together with Bobbi and have a nice dinner tomorrow, over the weekend head down to Malibu, try to catch a movie at the Grauman's Chinese Theater, and see an architecture museum, among other things. I must say, it is kind of lame to do the sight-seeing thing by yourself. Who am I supposed to make sarcastic comments to? Expect texts.

AMT: In-N-Out Burger delivered the goods. The burger was actually quite small, which I enjoyed. It was tasty and didn't sit heavy. I think they put crack in the patties because I've wanted another one as soon as I finished the first. When I accidentally drive by one on the freeway I'm extremely angry, because turning around is not really an option. Would you like me to bring you one home?

Hurler.

Burbank, Burgers, and Blessings

By now you've probably heard I survived the flight and am safe here in Thousand Oaks, CA. The connecting plane from Phoenix to Burbank was small so we didn't careen off the runway, which is a plus. I didn't care for the smaill plan experience though. It feels like a tin can bouncing around in the atmosphere. I got to the hotel around Midnight eastern time. I had to knock out some prep work for the workday and then just collapsed, from what I guess was fatigue.

The work day:

I was up at 4:00 WCT, which even though I know is 7:00 to me, just the fact that the clock reads 4:00 in the a.m is unnatural. It works though, because I would not want to face rush hour traffic on Ventura Boulevard head into L.A. The traffic is as aggressive as expected, and I feel a little like Brooks from Shawshank when I'm white-knuckling the wheel during merges.

For those who don't know, I was kind of thrown into this project hastily because the project manager slated for it quit without notice. I'm working a set I've never done before in a venue in which I've never been trained (Albertsons grocery). To say I have a little anxiety is like saying Frank Sinatra had a flirtatious side. But when I arrived, I had a great temp working with me, she had done a few of these sets and knew the in and outs. She had experience with the store's system and knew the managers I needed to engage to get the best results. Her name? Wait for it...Blessing. Her name was Blessing. I'm not kidding. We knocked the set out in 6 hours and she even gave me directions to a nearby In N Out Burger, one of my points of interest on the trip.

After Blessing and I had a tear-soaked goodbye I headed back to the hotel. The only other event on the docket for today was rest. So hopefully, that will happen.

Here's a question for you: If I was making a California playlist for my ipod, what are the essential tracks? Limit 3 per guesser.

Welcome, friends.

Welcome to my new blog home. My First entry will either be tomorrow or the following day, centering around my trip to Los Angeles. Get excited!